Sad But So True

“Deciding What to Wear”, courtesy of PhD Comics.

“I am a Giant Cockroach”

Excerpts from “Social Security Denies Gregor Samsa’s Disability Claim” by Alex St. Andrews, in The McSweeney’s Joke Book of Book Jokes:

The Decision on Gregor Samsa’s Case

You listed the following impairment(s) on your SSI application:

I AM A GIGANTIC COCKROACH
DEPRESSION
BACK PAIN

You said the above impairment(s) affected you in the following way(s):

I CANNOT STAND OR WALK UPRIGHT OR SPEAK ANY HUMAN LANGUAGE.
I CANNOT HANDLE OR MANIPULATE OBJECTS WITH MY MANY LEGS OR ANTENNAE.
WHEN I AM ON MY BACK I HAVE DIFFICULTY RIGHTING MYSELF.
MY FAMILY HAS IMPRISONED ME IN MY ROOM AND IS FEEDING ME SCRAPS. [...]

Doctors and other trained staff looked at this case and made this decision. They work for the state but used our rules. The following findings were made:
- You are not engaged in any substantial gainful activity.
- Your impairment causes more than minimal limitations.
- Although your impairment(s) result in some problems for you, which are more than minimal, they do not equal any of the impairments listed in Table 2 of Appendix 1 to Subpart P of Chapter 20, Part 404 of Federal Regulations (“the Listings”).
- You are not able to perform your previous employment. You listed the following job(s) in your work history report:
TRAVELING SALESMAN
- We have determined that your impairment prevents you from continuing in your previous employment, because you cannot handle or finger your sample cases, you cannot speak any human language, and your customers will be frightened by your monstrous clicking mandibles.
- You are able to perform other work which exists in substantial numbers in the national economy. A vocational expert was consulted, and determined that your Residual Function Capacity (RFC) allows you to perform the following jobs:
STAPLING MACHINE OPERATOR
NUCLEAR WASTE MANAGEMENT
ENTERTAINER (foreign cinema, circus)
TAX PREPARER

POST structural-ITS

I got the best random gift EVER from my boyfriend yesterday.

They’re a little hard to read in the picture, but did you catch “The Death of the Author”? Still laughing about it. Ah, academic humour. Or the checkbox options on the Derrida note – “Post-Intelligent,” “Post-Legitimate,” “Post-Metaphysical,” “Post-Modern,” “Post-historical.” I’m going to start leaving notes on these for my supervisor.

My Funny Valentine

Seems like an empty threat at the moment, doesn’t it?

No Thanks, I’m Not Interested

#1 clue that the person who has just called you is not someone you want to talk to:

They open the conversation with: “Hello, is your mother or father home?”

Overheard at Pemberton

Girl who was never taught the difference between a noun and an adjective: “Caesars are, like, the most necessity drink ever.”

Dude pointing at a girl running by in a bikini: “I bet that girl has been dishing out boners all weekend!”

Crazy party guy camped next to us (while high on mushrooms): “I hate being high on mushrooms! I feel like I’m in Grade 9 again!”

And my favourite “Overheard at Sasquatch” moment too: “It’s just like Albert Einstein said — Fuck it. He was one smart motherfucker.”

A Muppet St. Patrick’s Day

At a department party the other night, my Ph.D. supervisor was saying that he had tried to expose his three-year-old daughter to the Muppets but she was so terrified by them that he had to turn it off. This led to a discussion about how scary the Muppets really can be. I’d never thought of it before, but I suppose characters like Monster or Beaker are pretty creepy. I always loved them though, as I’m sure most of you do too. My favourites were always Statler and Waldorf.

Anyway, to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, here is a muppet video that you should all watch. Watch it right to the end — it will be worth your while!

Two Times A Lady

Last night over dinner, I asked my un-boyfriend* if it bothers him when I get all dressed up to go out.

What I had in mind was how angry previous boyfriends used to get with me because I would put on makeup and dress up when I went out with other people, whereas when hanging out with them I would likely just wear my sweatpants, a t-shirt, my bedhead, and my natural face. I often heard comments like “who else are you trying to impress?” or “don’t you care what I think of you?” or “you should wear makeup around me most of all — you look better with it on and who knows how long I’ll stick around.” Assholes.

The response I got this time was unexpected. He started with, “well, it is a bit strange for me because, ummm….” During the pause I pre-emptively thought to myself, “oh great, I thought this guy was different but I guess he’s not.” Then he surprised me by saying, “sometimes when you get all done up to go out, you look so… so… womanly.”

Womanly?

I guess when I asked him the question in the first place, I wasn’t thinking about the fact that he’s 20 years old. It’s funny how different our perspectives are on each other sometimes. And that reminded me that you really never know what’s going on with someone till you ask.

It also reminded me of the first time I truly realized that I was an adult. It was only maybe 2 years ago. I don’t remember where I was but I was walking out of a doorway. There was a woman with her young son on their way in and the kid tried to squeeze past me rather than waiting until I was through. His mother stopped him and said “wait, let this lady pass through first.” I thought to myself, “lady, what lady?” I was so used to hearing myself referred to as a “girl” that hearing “lady” suddenly jolted me right out of my teens and into my late twenties, where I had been the whole time but had failed to realize. It’s funny how the littlest things can completely change the way you see yourself.

—

*NB. “un-boyfriend” refers to the guy I’m dating who I don’t actually consider my boyfriend. Crazy, I know. But that’s just how I roll.

And yes, I’m a cougar, I know.

“Sad Logic Indeed”

Yesterday I opened up PhD Comics for the first time in months, only to discover that they had perfectly captured my day. I don’t know why I ever stopped reading it.

The Random Unfolding of Events

One of my favourite things about life is the randomness of it all. I’m not much of a planner when it comes to day-to-day events so I find I end up in unexpected places and situations frequently. I’m also meeting new people all the time. It really is fantastic to be constantly surprised and entertained. I couldn’t plan my life any better.

So here is a collection of the best random moments and people that found their way into my life over the past few weeks.

I danced at the bar with someone dressed as a giant fuzzy antelope and I have no idea who it was.

I found myself drinking wine with two friends in the middle of a Sunday afternoon, making plans to leave everything behind and run away to Sweden. Why Sweden? I have no idea. But we did end up with the quote of the year: “Shit just got desperate. We have to roll out tonight.”

In Victoria’s only country bar, someone we didn’t know sat down at our table and started doing mind-boggling card tricks for us.

I made a friend who sings backup vocals for an Elvis impersonator.

A Vancouver cab driver, in reference to strip clubs, said to us “If I have to shake my ass like a monkey to raise my kids then that’s what I’ll do.”

Two of the best fortune cookies I’ve ever had: “When time permits your personal life will be exciting” and “Back away from impulsive people.” Almost ironic.