Excerpts from “Social Security Denies Gregor Samsa’s Disability Claim” by Alex St. Andrews, in The McSweeney’s Joke Book of Book Jokes:
The Decision on Gregor Samsa’s Case
You listed the following impairment(s) on your SSI application:
I AM A GIGANTIC COCKROACH
DEPRESSION
BACK PAIN
You said the above impairment(s) affected you in the following way(s):
I CANNOT STAND OR WALK UPRIGHT OR SPEAK ANY HUMAN LANGUAGE.
I CANNOT HANDLE OR MANIPULATE OBJECTS WITH MY MANY LEGS OR ANTENNAE.
WHEN I AM ON MY BACK I HAVE DIFFICULTY RIGHTING MYSELF.
MY FAMILY HAS IMPRISONED ME IN MY ROOM AND IS FEEDING ME SCRAPS. [...]
Doctors and other trained staff looked at this case and made this decision. They work for the state but used our rules. The following findings were made:
- You are not engaged in any substantial gainful activity.
- Your impairment causes more than minimal limitations.
- Although your impairment(s) result in some problems for you, which are more than minimal, they do not equal any of the impairments listed in Table 2 of Appendix 1 to Subpart P of Chapter 20, Part 404 of Federal Regulations (“the Listings”).
- You are not able to perform your previous employment. You listed the following job(s) in your work history report:
TRAVELING SALESMAN
- We have determined that your impairment prevents you from continuing in your previous employment, because you cannot handle or finger your sample cases, you cannot speak any human language, and your customers will be frightened by your monstrous clicking mandibles.
- You are able to perform other work which exists in substantial numbers in the national economy. A vocational expert was consulted, and determined that your Residual Function Capacity (RFC) allows you to perform the following jobs:
STAPLING MACHINE OPERATOR
NUCLEAR WASTE MANAGEMENT
ENTERTAINER (foreign cinema, circus)
TAX PREPARER
